FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
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you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
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