Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
