Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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