I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
