If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
