He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
