I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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