Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
