I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
