i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You're a waste of cheezeits
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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