I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
