he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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