You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
