White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
