You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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