I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
