I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
