i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
