A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
