Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
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I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
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I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I see more hoeing in ur future
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