i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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