if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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