New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
