so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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