what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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