no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
