I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
