ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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