my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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