Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
