i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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