You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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