i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
