Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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