Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
