I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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