I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
