his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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