Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
