i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
