i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
