Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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