but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
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I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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