i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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