I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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