is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
