all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
