theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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