i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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