Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
