I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we're making bets on your personal life
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
