Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
