He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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