His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
